You wanna keep it?

I did something really cool today.  Really really cool.  It’s not often that I get to say that, either.  I work, I run, I eat constantly…and in-between all that, there’s usually just more eating.   

So this really really cool thing that I did today…well, it’s even BETTER since cool things in general are a rare occurrence for me.  I’ve been so excited to do this and it finally happened!    

But.  I just now remembered something that kind of ruins it—I don’t deserve this.  Shit.

I mean, I work, I run, I eat constantly; I watch tv, stalk on Facebook, and hardly read; I pet my cat, write to-do lists, and sleep fitfully.  In this long, rambling list of blandness and mediocrity, I simply have a hard time feeling that I remotely deserve to treat myself to the really really cool thing I already did!  Shit.  In my twisted mind that constantly craves self-improvement (yet engages in consistent and effective self-sabotage), I actually feel that I need to earn the really really cool thing I did.  I mean, I can’t just go treating myself to very awesome things and then stay the exact same Rhonda that does nothing other than work, run, and eat.  Right?  Right?  Right.

So the question now becomes…how will I earn the really cool thing I did?  What will I do?  Actually, the answer to this is pretty easy; I will train for a PR at the Deckers Creek half marathon on June 2^nd.  Okay, okay¸ I’m kind of already doing this anyway, BUT, I’m going to really train.  I’m going to do everything right.  And now I’m going to kick-ass on June 2^nd.

Actually, it should be pretty simple. 

Obviously, the first thing I need to do is, well, run.  This shouldn’t be a problem!  I ran a half marathon two weeks ago!  My goal is just to run this next one faster.  I will run 3-4 days a week, long run on Saturday, cross/death-training with Sean 3 times a week, and lots of walking in-between.  DONE. 

Of course, it makes sense that one would run faster with less weight to carry around.  Yes, so, lose weight.  I will also need to lose weight.  To PR at Decker’s Creek and thus earn my really cool thing, I must lose weight.  This will take far more than just working out and running, though; I will have to stop eating so damn much. 

I know it comes as a surprise to most people, but my weakness is cupcakes.  Combine easy access to cupcakes (if you consider a 30-minute drive “easy,” because I will only eat a certain kind) with overtime money and boredom, and you have me stuffing my face with a half dozen of these bad boys on a regular basis.  Well that’s that…cupcakes are DONE.  Instead of eating when I’m happy, sad, bored, angry, silly, sore, or just plain tired…well, I guess I just won’t eat.      

Speaking of tired, I should really work on that, too.  I can’t be expected to run, workout, AND eat slightly less food when I’m craving a day-long nap every day.  Most nights, I get home late from work, and then eat, and then play on Facebook, and then watch tv, and then think about eating again while watching tv, until I fall into a fitful night’s rest at a ridiculously late hour.  But since I’ve already solved the eating problem by not eating, I think the rest of my nightly routine could use some tweaking

So this means no Facebook and no tv.  Yeah, less tv.  I can get on Facebook, if I must, while on break at work.  In reality, it really doesn’t take hours to read about who recently got pregnant, got engaged, or got pissed off at the world and wanted everyone to know about it.  And then maybe I could just split the difference with tv and a book.  Yes, reading is relaxing and perfect before bedtime.  I already have the book anyway; it’s book #4 in a series of 7 that I’m attempting to read for the second time.  And there’s really not too much dread factor with it, either…there’s love, a crush-worthy male lead character, history, violence, humor, and many gratuitous sex scenes.  DONE.

Okay, realistically, if I plan on sleeping better to have more energy to run and eat less, to help me lose weight and run faster, in order to run a PR at Deckers Creek, which would make me feel like I earned that really really cool thing I did, I’m definitely going to have to stay motivated.  I’m still eight weeks out!  So many things could go awry in eight weeks and I just can’t have that happen!

So what will keep me motivated?  Sean weighing me in every week certainly doesn’t hurt.  Spending time with my awesome co-worker and her guy keeps me sane and laughing.  Visiting my sister, nephew, and brother-in-law is always the best cure for self-doubt, and results in lots of exchanges of hilarious self-deprecation.  And then there’s always going for a walk in the sunshine, traveling out-of-town for a breather, and re-reading my book’s sex scenes to keep me grounded and positive.  So I will do those things, and often.  DONE.

Quite honestly, that’s it…I have to stay positive.  Anytime in the past that I’ve had a goal in mind and gotten side-tracked, it’s because I stopped staying positive and dwelled on everything else that was going on or that I didn’t have.  A few examples: 

My leg hurts and I can’t run…guess I’ll cry and eat McDonald’s and not do sit-ups or push-ups.

All of my friends are in relationships…guess I’ll never be loved.  Pass the entire carrot cake and hide the scale.

I have absolutely no idea where my life is going…so instead, I just won’t do a damn thing.

So that’s just it—I will stay positive.  I won’t think about my ex that never wanted to spend time with me; I won’t think that I’m not good enough or strong enough to accomplish my goals; I won’t succumb to my self-doubt and insecurities that make me feel silly for even trying to improve myself. 

I mean, I’m going to have to.  Remember, I have to stay positive in order to keep myself motivated so that I can sleep better, which will make me well-rested so I can run more and eat less, in order to lose weight and run faster, and therefore run a PR at Deckers Creek, which would finally make me feel like I earned that really really cool thing I did today. 

So here goes:

I accept myself just as I am.

I am good enough to achieve anything I want.

I am worth the effort and have a lot to offer anyone

(and if anyone doesn’t want me, screw’em).

And living each day the best I can is reason enough to reward myself…

WHETHER I RUN A FREAKING PR OR NOT!!

Well.   Now I finally feel okay with having gotten that tattoo.